I realized something today. You know those random epiphanies? I realized that although my life hasn’t been easy, and I’ve been dealt some hard blows… I’m infinitely blessed. And not in the annoying #blessed way. But the things that have gone horribly wrong? Horribly unjust things, like my illness — being the most glaring example — have happened. I would say I’m better off than so many though because none of the hardest things in my life have been at the hands of people. The people in my life that were supposed to love me, have loved me. Yeah, they’re not perfect, but they’ve tried and tried to be the best parent, husband, friend, to me. The people who really matter… They didn’t and don’t do things to hurt me on purpose. I’ve seen so many people lately, walking — running away from terrible circumstances caused by other human beings. Completely disrespected, injured, hurt in ways I can’t begin to understand.
Some circumstances in my life have been nothing short of shitty. I mean, how is it fair for a 23 year old to get a death sentence unless she gets a new liver? It’s not. It’s almost overshadowed though because the PEOPLE in my life loved me through it. People who didn’t even HAVE to.
So whenever I get bogged down with the “why me’s”… I need to remember I’ve always been loved. I’m loved so big. Even when I don’t deserve it.
And to those who haven’t been. I don’t mean this to come off as a brag or as insensitive to you and your struggles. I say this to show my deepest admiration and righteous anger for what people have done to you. It’s not okay. And you’re worthy of being loved in the right way. You are. I might not be one of those important people who shouldn’t have let you down but I hope you know that I’m willing and able to listen and validate you. Any time. My heart literally aches when I hear about someone being wronged. I promise I hear you.
So, I’m not angry at people in my life. Sometimes I feel like I am, and of course I have those moments like we all do. But when it comes down to it, I get angry at circumstances. How does one come to peace with that? I’m not sure, but writing out my thoughts may be a step in the right direction. I just want to see beauty out of ashes. The fact that I have a breeze running through my hair and I’m here to watch these leaves change is pretty beautiful… so I’d say I’m on the right track. I’m trying.