I was looking at old pictures. Just mindlessly scrolling. Then I hit the pictures that make my heart ache. The ache isn’t bad necessarily. It’s more of a bittersweet ache. They’re the pictures where I’m yellow. Too thin. Where I look like a whole different person. And truth be told, I felt like a whole different person too.
Lately… I’ve been struggling with feelings of…inadequacy. I think that’s the word I’m searching for. I feel like I should be doing big things. I feel like I should be 100 % okay now because my liver is working and this is my second chance and oh my gosh, you only have so much time, Amanda.
I’m hear to tell myself to stop. And to tell you to stop.
I went through hell. You went through hell. Yeah, it was probably different than mine. But it still sucked horribly for you. Yes, this is your new beginning. But it’s okay if nothing seems to be happening. Being alive is not about accomplishing something. Yes, accomplishment is wonderful and great and all that jazz. But I just don’t think that’s why we’re here. At least not for the obsessive pursuit of accomplishment, or society’s definition of success.
From the formerly yellow girl to you…the girl who cries when she sees where she used to be. It takes time to process things. I’m working on it. And it’s not something that can be rushed. It takes time to feel centered. It can take a whole lifetime to find your calling. If you have a piece of it, walk with it, don’t sprint. Unless you want to sprint. Then do that. Basically, just do things when YOU want to, not when society expects you to. Babies, careers, anything. It’s not on their timetable.
Right now, I just need to take it day by day. And dream a lot. And work towards my goals, but not in a mad sprint. I need to enjoy this life, not rush through it. I need to be gentle with myself. And so do you – I’m pretty positive of that.
Be gentle with you.