Dark.

“Do you want to consider livers with…social risks?”
What kind of question is that? I wondered. I don’t want to consider livers at all. I can’t wrap my head around whether I want a liver that’s been in jail, or that went missing for a few years.
Instead I said, “I’d like it presented to me so I can make the decision at that time.”

Too dark. All of it was too dark. There I was, on the living room floor, talking about deceased people and their past mistakes, their past dramas, their available livers…. And whether I wanted to consider these “risky” organs or roll the dice and wait longer for my life to be saved. Too dark. Considering these people who were going to be dead. Casting their organs as good or not good enough. Pitch black conversation.

He had called and started the conversation much lighter. “Amanda, how are you feeling about being listed?”

“Um… Well. I’m glad. I’m doing okay.” I was lying. 

“Alright. I know this is a lot emotionally. I know it’s overwhelming and I wanted to see where you stood with everything.”

Fighting back a sob. Putting on a brave smile with watering eyes, my burning throat. 
“What did the doctor want?” Justin asked when I went back in the bedroom. His eyes were big.

“He wanted to make sure I’m okay.” 

Okay. What does that word even mean? Memories like these have been rushing back at me. I think it’s because I’m letting them now. I’m processing the last 1.5 years. And it’s not easy. I was in survival mode. I made it through it all and now I keep thinking on it. The memories rush through my brain, little bits and pieces that I string together and try to make coherent. 

I never had to make the choice whether to accept that risky organ. I trusted God would tell me what to do if that day came. But He deemed it that I didn’t have to choose. He put it on Madalyn’s heart. Slammed it on her heart. That she would be the one. 

I am grateful everyday for that. That He took that decision out of my hands. That He planned it all from the beginning when He formed each of us. The doctors said it was like Madalyn’s liver was meant to be donated. It was big enough. It was perfect. 

Well, silly doctors. That’s cause it was. 

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