I remember.

I remember using three pillow to prop myself up to sleep because laying flat was impossible. 

I remember waking up with a huge smile on every morning when I remembered I had a new liver. 

I remember the emptying of bile drain balls and how I thought Justin loved me more than I love him because I don’t think I could do that for him. (Not really but, that’s love).

I remember laughing and loving and hating every second because it hurt so bad. And so good. 

The weeks after a liver transplant are weird. They’re scary. They’re some of the best memories I have.

I remember walking so slowly because for some reason I just couldn’t go any faster. 

I remember my mom yelling at me when I took the stairs for the first time. The way I had to take one at a time with both feet on each step. It was so slow.

It is all slow. The recovery. The healing. The emotional releases. 

I’m still working on it all. And I need to remember that that is OKAY. I am not a bionic woman. I’m close though. 

I remember the first time I was allowed to eat. How two bites filled me up.

How I didn’t have any sense of balance.

How beautiful the view from the hospital hallway window was, because I was able to walk down there and do my exercises. Justin counting with me. Breathing with me. Fighting with me. Healing with me.

I remember the way my mom and dad came everyday. Coffee in hand once I was allowed to drink it. Relief and happiness etched in their faces when they looked at me, in awe of my changing color and the light that was back in my eyes.

I remember it all. And I never want to forget a second. 


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